Someone That I Used To Know

Such a puzzling concept...We can have the most open, intimate relationships with people, only to become complete strangers when the dissolution of that relationship occurs. When thinking back on my life, this applies not only to friendships, but to family bonds, boyfriends, and marriages.

In the throes of like, love, and lust, we expose ourselves and our vulnerabilities. If we are lucky, we build on mutual trust, becoming close, becoming partners, becoming united. We give over to the belief that our relationship will endure the hardships that life frequently offers.

Time, distance, betrayal, growth; they influence the trajectory of our relationships. While some merely fizzle out for lack of effort, others are significantly, and eternally destroyed. What then, of the secrets shared, of the opinions tossed out in conversation, of the intricate balance that we individually operate on? What happens to the endearments, the inside jokes, the stories where only the two of you were present? Are they still a part of your history? Do you include that person in the retelling? Do you bury them deeply, only to recover them when time has sufficiently healed your wounds?

There is no formula for recovering from the death of such a relationship. Instead, we are left in the ashes, the embers, to pick up pieces of the life we have lived and the person you believe you are still. The Reconstruction Era, thoroughly confusing, poses and opportunity to select the best from those relationships, and choose the lessons best taught, no matter how painful. The someone that you used to know no longer exists, and neither does the you that you used to know. Rebuild and fortify. Don't look back, no matter how glaring that rearview mirror can be.

Loss and Letting Go

I suppose that these concepts are essentially intertwined. Loss, such a profound experience, occurs frequently throughout our lives on varying levels. For instance, in the last year, my friend has lost a family member, her partner, and a friend. So significant is this barrage of pain that she has also lost the ability to step beyond the aching agony of her existence.

In my own experience, while seemingly disguised as the loss of possessions and prestige, I have lost the vision of a life that I had once imagined. Perhaps naive, I expected that I would continue to succeed because I work hard, did my best to follow the rules, and put others before myself. Unfortunately, the goals that we set for ourselves are reliant on others, natural circumstance, and the alignment of certain stars with which I am unfamiliar.

Disillusioned for a time, my wanderings took me far from this vision, and even farther from understanding the path set before me. What we believe, what we want, is not always what is best, or even right for us. As cliched as this is, I can see now, the amount of control that I have over my life. It is minute; for in the grand scheme, I am but a speck of dust.

Knowing this, knowing that I can only improve where my life is presently, I have begun to let go. Letting go of preconceived notions; letting go of past hurts and slights; letting go of the expectations of who I am supposed to be. The loss is unexpected and inevitable. We cannot control that. We can let go, though. We can move beyond the unimaginable. We can let go of who we are, and embrace change...for the better.

Taking Back Sunday

Sundays have become my most dreaded day of the week. Somehow, I have given this day up to loneliness. This is now the sixth day of my work week. Rather than relaxing, I spend my time making lesson plans, cleaning the house, wandering around town, and merely floating.

Despite the demands of scheduling that have redesigned one of my favorite days, Sunday is a casualty of choices that I have made...choices that I wanted to make. I can no longer punish the day, punish myself.

Last week, I did the first good thing for myself that didn't involve anyone else holding my hand, making me commit, needing my help. I ran. I ran away from the ugly feelings threatening to boil over inside of me. I ran through the pain of harsh words and insults. I ran toward freedom.

This Sunday, I will run, first thing, when my children leave for the day. Sunday will no longer belong to everyone else...anyone else. It is time for me to reclaim what I love and enjoy about life.

Save Me From the Monsters

"Can you save me from the monsters, Mommy?" my three year-old tearfully requested this evening as I tucked her in.

In my head, I was thinking, "I wish I could!" Instead, I answered her with, "There are no monsters, honey. If there were, of course I would save you from them." I proceeded to put a magic spell over her bed to protect her and keep the monsters away.

When I left her room, I thought longer about my incredible desire to protect these children from any harm and my inability to actually control much of what they will experience. I wish I could protect them from fear and frustration, debts and disappointment, loneliness and longing, sorrow and shame. I have not particularly enjoyed these feelings, and even been brought to my knees at times.

Despite what I know, they must discover the world for themselves. There will be times that I cannot be a guardian to them. Each day, I give over every fiber of my being to teach, love, guide, and provide for them. Not a moment to myself, my exhaustion capsizes any shred of desire I have to engage in my own responsibilities and interests. Although, I desperately want to give each molecule of my being to them, it is nearly impossible.

Children are an incredible reminder of how insignificant we really are, but to them...we are the world.

Safe and Sound

Despite the trimmings and trappings of each holiday that a child experiences, what they truly desire is security. At home, at school, at play...children and adults alike long for this security. What does security mean exactly? Is it the comfort of financial stability? Is it an attentive parent to hold you when you scrape your knee? Is it a friend to call when you experience turmoil? I suppose it is each of these and so much more.

Children have an innate sense to determine when all is right in the world. For instance, my own children can nearly smell a storm. The moment clouds gather on the horizon, the proverbial fur on the back of their necks stands up and they run for the door. Citing " a storm coming", they no longer want to be outside with the potential danger of a tornado. (Keep in mind that we are in no way near tornado country!) For the purest of human beings, the sense that a storm is out of the ordinary, deters them from the outside environment.

The same can be said for the child who hears her parent's fighting and runs to hide in her room. I cannot stand the moment when a person's voice escalates in anger. Something within me shrivels and retreats to a place where I must feel safe from aggression. Instability is an uncomfortable feeling which inhibits my ability to contribute effectively to a conversation.

I have only longed for security in my life. When watching "The Wedding Singer" and listening to Drew Barrymore try to explain to an artistic musician Adam Sandler that all people need security, I identified with the struggle to justify this desire. At this juncture, I am working increasingly to ensure that I will be able to provide this for myself. Education and ambition combined, I must now rely on good fortune to smile down upon me and open the doors to opportunity. I am exhausting the hours in the day and the energy of a young tiger to succeed. Hard work pays off. There's no such thing as a free lunch. Que sera, sera...Whatever will be, will be...and it will. I will make sure of it.