Last year, a student remarked that I always wore black. This is true. I love black, and now gray as well. Black is easy. Usually, making you appear a bit more streamlined, black also provides a blank palette with which you can select the most outrageous accessories.
Sadly, not long after this particular comment, my aunt told me that I looked "goth". This, by far, is more detrimental than people assuming that I am mourning the death of a loved one. If you are truly mourning, you garner sympathy and a wider berth in your behavior. If you are mistaken for "goth", you actually repel other human beings.
As we prepare to visit friends and attend parties this evening, I am dressed in gray, black, and white...not much of a departure from my normal attire. My nails are lacquered in red, though; a sign that I am incorporating strands of light into my persona, once again. If I put on a little red lipstick, my friends may even think I am fun again. :)
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, December 30, 2011
Death of an Interior Decorator
An intelligent woman once told me that I have a very rich interior life. This, of course, was in response to my sharing the complex inner monologue that I am at times plagued with. She knew, like many others, that we emotionally torture ourselves more than we generally allow any one else to. I would agree that is an entirely apt description of myself.
No, I do not have multiple personalities competing for space in my head, but so often the running conversation that I have with myself trumps a million other voices. In countless situations, I have agonized over decisions from minute to massive. I can mull over these choices for days, weeks, and even months. Something within me is indecisive. I imagine alternatives, possible consequences, absurd implications, and the reactions of others. This does little to allow for progression in my self-improvement and relationships with others.
A daydreamer by nature, my imagination flourishes with possibilities and plans for my life and others. I envision my children's future from ten years old to thirty. There is scarcely a limit to my conjecturing. Haven't you ever sat on a bench in a park or a busy street observing the passersby? I have designed their possible conversations judging by their expressions and gestures, creating back stories and more. This activity can certainly engage your imagination when leisurely enjoying an afternoon in public. Sometimes, when driving, I notice people in their homes and find it fascinating that while I am living out my life, they are sitting down to family dinner, watching TV, or sharing life-changing experiences.
With this bizarre confession, I am freeing myself from the bounds of this interior life. I do not intend to over-share my experiences and emotions from this point forward, I only long to build a life outside of my mind. Writing has given me the freedom to express so much of the pent-up angst and release tension that simply does not flow easily in my speech. In turn, my friends and family are exonerated from the burden of my indecision, fear, and anxiety. I will continue to build an arsenal of weapons to combat this rarely productive opponent. After a long full life, raise a glass to toast the death of an interior decorator. May she rest in peace.
No, I do not have multiple personalities competing for space in my head, but so often the running conversation that I have with myself trumps a million other voices. In countless situations, I have agonized over decisions from minute to massive. I can mull over these choices for days, weeks, and even months. Something within me is indecisive. I imagine alternatives, possible consequences, absurd implications, and the reactions of others. This does little to allow for progression in my self-improvement and relationships with others.
A daydreamer by nature, my imagination flourishes with possibilities and plans for my life and others. I envision my children's future from ten years old to thirty. There is scarcely a limit to my conjecturing. Haven't you ever sat on a bench in a park or a busy street observing the passersby? I have designed their possible conversations judging by their expressions and gestures, creating back stories and more. This activity can certainly engage your imagination when leisurely enjoying an afternoon in public. Sometimes, when driving, I notice people in their homes and find it fascinating that while I am living out my life, they are sitting down to family dinner, watching TV, or sharing life-changing experiences.
With this bizarre confession, I am freeing myself from the bounds of this interior life. I do not intend to over-share my experiences and emotions from this point forward, I only long to build a life outside of my mind. Writing has given me the freedom to express so much of the pent-up angst and release tension that simply does not flow easily in my speech. In turn, my friends and family are exonerated from the burden of my indecision, fear, and anxiety. I will continue to build an arsenal of weapons to combat this rarely productive opponent. After a long full life, raise a glass to toast the death of an interior decorator. May she rest in peace.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
War and Peace
A child easily identifies the unique properties that contribute to an environment of peace. Although subtle, and at times unnoticed, quiet settles on a home and bequeaths stillness and calm. Individuals may also possess these characteristics, either bestowed at birth, or cultivated through years of effort. Regardless, it is a trait to admire and emulate.
The noise of our world incessantly invades the natural place and order that potentially exists in each life. For someone accustomed to a state of high volume, quiet, calm, and peace are nearly foreign. While I have used activity to compensate for life's disappointments and hurts, this disallows any quantity of silence or stillness in my routine.
Within the week, I expended time in the company of two relatives whose homes exhibit the type of simplicity that invites peace and quiet. Upon entry, the relaxation is palpable. Without cell service, focus is forced and I had little choice, but to simply enjoy the presence of loved ones and meaningful conversation. Needless to say, this is an unnatural state for me. Spending time at my aunt's farm, produced a feeling of time standing still. The noiselessness of her farmhouse enveloped my thoughts and momentarily, I was able to breath without distraction and revel in the laughter of my children playing in the adjacent room.
As a culture, we are accustomed to purchasing relaxation: massages, incense, oils, candles, music, spa vacations, etc. On the contrary, peace is available at the small cost of time. In a sense, we are at war. Entertainment, commercialism, and vanity threaten to abscond with the simple pleasures of sitting with the ones we love, listening, breathing, and just...being.
In order to fight the good fight and reclaim the peace in my relationship with my children, I begin the new year with a resolution to put down the phone, focus on their sweet faces, and truly listen to their darling voices. This is my first step in shutting out the noise of world and inviting peace back into my life and home.
The noise of our world incessantly invades the natural place and order that potentially exists in each life. For someone accustomed to a state of high volume, quiet, calm, and peace are nearly foreign. While I have used activity to compensate for life's disappointments and hurts, this disallows any quantity of silence or stillness in my routine.
Within the week, I expended time in the company of two relatives whose homes exhibit the type of simplicity that invites peace and quiet. Upon entry, the relaxation is palpable. Without cell service, focus is forced and I had little choice, but to simply enjoy the presence of loved ones and meaningful conversation. Needless to say, this is an unnatural state for me. Spending time at my aunt's farm, produced a feeling of time standing still. The noiselessness of her farmhouse enveloped my thoughts and momentarily, I was able to breath without distraction and revel in the laughter of my children playing in the adjacent room.
As a culture, we are accustomed to purchasing relaxation: massages, incense, oils, candles, music, spa vacations, etc. On the contrary, peace is available at the small cost of time. In a sense, we are at war. Entertainment, commercialism, and vanity threaten to abscond with the simple pleasures of sitting with the ones we love, listening, breathing, and just...being.
In order to fight the good fight and reclaim the peace in my relationship with my children, I begin the new year with a resolution to put down the phone, focus on their sweet faces, and truly listen to their darling voices. This is my first step in shutting out the noise of world and inviting peace back into my life and home.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Embattled and Embittered
Coping. This becomes a state of being after a monotonous barrage of strife. Coping with your circumstances. Coping with your feelings. Coping with difficult individuals. Coping, or getting by, is simply how one eventually navigates daily life.
After a significant amount of time, coping gives way to exhaustion. No longer are you able to muster up the strength to face an obstacle, a predicament, and even routine tasks. When you reside in a land where you must cope continually, any human can falter.
Notwithstanding struggles and challenges, the sun rises each day. For myself, alone, I am beholden to two beautiful little people who depend on me for shelter, constant meal preparation, comfort, love, and entertainment. Giving into the beast calling out when I am no longer able to cope is just not an option.
It is in such times, that resentment prevails and bitterness sets in. Anger, the true enemy, can tame even the brightest of personalities when tensions mount. When mired in negativity, I have found the the sweetest remedy is to engage in something joyful. I refuse to let the arguments and assaults triumph over me. My battle lies in overcoming frustration, guilt, and hatred. For someone with a desperately poor poker face, I am keeping my cards close.
After a significant amount of time, coping gives way to exhaustion. No longer are you able to muster up the strength to face an obstacle, a predicament, and even routine tasks. When you reside in a land where you must cope continually, any human can falter.
Notwithstanding struggles and challenges, the sun rises each day. For myself, alone, I am beholden to two beautiful little people who depend on me for shelter, constant meal preparation, comfort, love, and entertainment. Giving into the beast calling out when I am no longer able to cope is just not an option.
It is in such times, that resentment prevails and bitterness sets in. Anger, the true enemy, can tame even the brightest of personalities when tensions mount. When mired in negativity, I have found the the sweetest remedy is to engage in something joyful. I refuse to let the arguments and assaults triumph over me. My battle lies in overcoming frustration, guilt, and hatred. For someone with a desperately poor poker face, I am keeping my cards close.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
A Decade of Decadence
What about the on-decade birthdays signifies exceptional celebration? Has our base-ten mathematical system ingrained in each of us the accomplishment of living an additional ten years? Perhaps when I am 37, a simply insignificant number, I will throw a lavish bash celebrating the obscure numbers often left unnoticed by those around us. I suppose this reversal of fortune atones for the general contempt held for the number zero in so many other realms. Poor zero. :(
In giving zero its due, I shall honor this unfortunate number as I reveal myself to a new decade. While my twenties have been spent muddling through extended adolescence, a young marriage, and the excruciating joys and heartaches of new motherhood, these next ten years will become a self-appointed journey of discovery. While still firmly grounded by the paramount bliss and responsibility of parenthood, I now periodically indulge in my personal interests and garner new pursuits. Incidentally, my children have found joy in these activities and we grow closer as I heal and commit myself to health and happiness.
The rough and roaring twenties are nearly over, I never imagined myself at this point and in these circumstances. The time for resolutions and revelations is at-hand and I have chosen to live fully.
In giving zero its due, I shall honor this unfortunate number as I reveal myself to a new decade. While my twenties have been spent muddling through extended adolescence, a young marriage, and the excruciating joys and heartaches of new motherhood, these next ten years will become a self-appointed journey of discovery. While still firmly grounded by the paramount bliss and responsibility of parenthood, I now periodically indulge in my personal interests and garner new pursuits. Incidentally, my children have found joy in these activities and we grow closer as I heal and commit myself to health and happiness.
The rough and roaring twenties are nearly over, I never imagined myself at this point and in these circumstances. The time for resolutions and revelations is at-hand and I have chosen to live fully.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Rapid Descent
Quite soon, 2012 will encroach upon my already hectic life. A new year brings new expectations, new responsibilities, new goals, new tragedies, and new triumphs. In 1982, a child entered the world with these same new entities available to her. Here I stand, 30 years later, with a life of triumphs and tragedies, ready to start anew.
I long to write; so write I shall. I am choosing to embrace this new decade and new path with zeal and I will write somewhat anonynmously as I gain confidence and strength once again. This endevour is solely for my personal benefit. I am anxious to reaquaint myself with the lofty expectations and dreams that I had long ago set forth for myself. Beginning from square one, like the infant daughter of 1982, my rebirth as an adult take place in this thirtieth year.
I long to write; so write I shall. I am choosing to embrace this new decade and new path with zeal and I will write somewhat anonynmously as I gain confidence and strength once again. This endevour is solely for my personal benefit. I am anxious to reaquaint myself with the lofty expectations and dreams that I had long ago set forth for myself. Beginning from square one, like the infant daughter of 1982, my rebirth as an adult take place in this thirtieth year.
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