SWM

Life inevitably changes when one divorces a spouse. At the very least, you must become accustomed to spending time alone with yourself...in the lonely silences. If you are fortunate enough to have children to accompany you on the journey, you have  the joy of humor and conversation with other humans. You also have love and affection still present in your home.

Daily existence as a single working mother is hectic. The chaos of our days includes school, practices, play dates, daycare, dinners hastily thrown together, and sweet bedtime stories. Without the smiles, the hugs, and the words of kindness, these days would be unbearable. These kids simply make life still worth living.

Brain Floss

Admittedly, I have struggled to come up with material worthy of sharing with those close to me. At times, I found my life simply too depressing, and less than enjoyable to write about. More recently, though, I am finding that I am beginning to see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.

Some events, stories, and songs jog the memory and pull forth memories long since buried. My children have lately grown significantly more interested in my life and often ask me to tell them stories about myself, my childhood, my relatives, and their father. There have been times that the stories are too painful to continue, times when a song played on the radio too poignant to maintain my composure, moments when I cannot stand to look backwards.

Despite this pain, I find that conjuring the memory is actually therapeutic. Tears are cleansing and talking is convalescent, As usual, I hope to write more in my journey to self-improvement and self-realization. As with everything I am doing to rejuvenate myself, this "brain flossing" will likely recover the spirit I once possessed.

Ready to Start

The long wait is over! I have internet once again. After having spending my last two weeks completing report cards, gathering tax documents, packing, cleaning, and moving, I still have a ton of work to do. :)

My birthday was spent celebrating with the wonderful and amazing people in my life. I am fortunate to be supported by friends and family both far and near who are very caring. Now, that I am 30, I can't believe that I am actually 30. It feels no different, but I am working to create a life for myself and my children that is both new and more secure.

I am searching for inspiration. I have the opportunity to reinvent my life. Now, where do I begin?

Someone That I Used To Know

Such a puzzling concept...We can have the most open, intimate relationships with people, only to become complete strangers when the dissolution of that relationship occurs. When thinking back on my life, this applies not only to friendships, but to family bonds, boyfriends, and marriages.

In the throes of like, love, and lust, we expose ourselves and our vulnerabilities. If we are lucky, we build on mutual trust, becoming close, becoming partners, becoming united. We give over to the belief that our relationship will endure the hardships that life frequently offers.

Time, distance, betrayal, growth; they influence the trajectory of our relationships. While some merely fizzle out for lack of effort, others are significantly, and eternally destroyed. What then, of the secrets shared, of the opinions tossed out in conversation, of the intricate balance that we individually operate on? What happens to the endearments, the inside jokes, the stories where only the two of you were present? Are they still a part of your history? Do you include that person in the retelling? Do you bury them deeply, only to recover them when time has sufficiently healed your wounds?

There is no formula for recovering from the death of such a relationship. Instead, we are left in the ashes, the embers, to pick up pieces of the life we have lived and the person you believe you are still. The Reconstruction Era, thoroughly confusing, poses and opportunity to select the best from those relationships, and choose the lessons best taught, no matter how painful. The someone that you used to know no longer exists, and neither does the you that you used to know. Rebuild and fortify. Don't look back, no matter how glaring that rearview mirror can be.

Loss and Letting Go

I suppose that these concepts are essentially intertwined. Loss, such a profound experience, occurs frequently throughout our lives on varying levels. For instance, in the last year, my friend has lost a family member, her partner, and a friend. So significant is this barrage of pain that she has also lost the ability to step beyond the aching agony of her existence.

In my own experience, while seemingly disguised as the loss of possessions and prestige, I have lost the vision of a life that I had once imagined. Perhaps naive, I expected that I would continue to succeed because I work hard, did my best to follow the rules, and put others before myself. Unfortunately, the goals that we set for ourselves are reliant on others, natural circumstance, and the alignment of certain stars with which I am unfamiliar.

Disillusioned for a time, my wanderings took me far from this vision, and even farther from understanding the path set before me. What we believe, what we want, is not always what is best, or even right for us. As cliched as this is, I can see now, the amount of control that I have over my life. It is minute; for in the grand scheme, I am but a speck of dust.

Knowing this, knowing that I can only improve where my life is presently, I have begun to let go. Letting go of preconceived notions; letting go of past hurts and slights; letting go of the expectations of who I am supposed to be. The loss is unexpected and inevitable. We cannot control that. We can let go, though. We can move beyond the unimaginable. We can let go of who we are, and embrace change...for the better.

Taking Back Sunday

Sundays have become my most dreaded day of the week. Somehow, I have given this day up to loneliness. This is now the sixth day of my work week. Rather than relaxing, I spend my time making lesson plans, cleaning the house, wandering around town, and merely floating.

Despite the demands of scheduling that have redesigned one of my favorite days, Sunday is a casualty of choices that I have made...choices that I wanted to make. I can no longer punish the day, punish myself.

Last week, I did the first good thing for myself that didn't involve anyone else holding my hand, making me commit, needing my help. I ran. I ran away from the ugly feelings threatening to boil over inside of me. I ran through the pain of harsh words and insults. I ran toward freedom.

This Sunday, I will run, first thing, when my children leave for the day. Sunday will no longer belong to everyone else...anyone else. It is time for me to reclaim what I love and enjoy about life.

Save Me From the Monsters

"Can you save me from the monsters, Mommy?" my three year-old tearfully requested this evening as I tucked her in.

In my head, I was thinking, "I wish I could!" Instead, I answered her with, "There are no monsters, honey. If there were, of course I would save you from them." I proceeded to put a magic spell over her bed to protect her and keep the monsters away.

When I left her room, I thought longer about my incredible desire to protect these children from any harm and my inability to actually control much of what they will experience. I wish I could protect them from fear and frustration, debts and disappointment, loneliness and longing, sorrow and shame. I have not particularly enjoyed these feelings, and even been brought to my knees at times.

Despite what I know, they must discover the world for themselves. There will be times that I cannot be a guardian to them. Each day, I give over every fiber of my being to teach, love, guide, and provide for them. Not a moment to myself, my exhaustion capsizes any shred of desire I have to engage in my own responsibilities and interests. Although, I desperately want to give each molecule of my being to them, it is nearly impossible.

Children are an incredible reminder of how insignificant we really are, but to them...we are the world.